Crossing the Drama Line

Remember a couple of posts ago, when I mentioned meeting part of the cast of the program Flipping Out? 

My friend Kerry felt that I gave the event short-shrift.  And if you aren't aware, short-shrift is when you say something like, "Yeah, I had the baby last week.  Could you pass me the sunblock?"

So, I've promised her to cover the event in a bit more detail.  Unfortunately, I have only two photos to share with you (in case you didn't see them on the prior post).  Without many visuals, I must leave you with narrative.  Those who do not care for narrative must find something else to do while the rest of you read through to the end.  Maybe make some postcards, or build a scale replica of Versailles out of popsicle sticks? 

The Saga of Meeting the Jeff Lewis Designs Staff at Living Spaces 

Without Being Frisked Once

Chapter One

My friend Nancy works for Jeff Lewis Designs, and I watch Flipping Out religiously, (without actually lighting candles).  I watched it even before she worked there, but now that she works there, I write an email or two every week after watching each episode, wherein I explain to the Jeff Lewis Designs team just exactly what I think about everything that happens in every episode and how they should try to make changes here and there if they know what's good for them. I think they take it seriously. Or else my email is blocked and they never see them. One or the other.

Anyway, so a couple of months ago, Nancy mentioned that Jeff would be making a public appearance in my town, and would I like to meet him? And I said, 'Hell Yeah. I mean, if I don’t have anything in the world else to do and I’m bored out of my mind, sure.'

The day before the event, Nancy reminded me about it and told me that since I’m a baker, and Jeff happens to like yellow cupcakes with chocolate frosting, I should maybe keep that in mind. Hint hint.

And I thought, do I really want to go out there tomorrow?  There will be a mob there and I don’t really want to make cupcakes in this heat, and Jeff Lewis really has no interest in meeting me, for heaven's sake.  Plus, he'll probably just think I should have my upper level revamped.

Then Nancy said, I’m going over for just a few minutes so I’ll meet you there around 1:00. Well, I thought. Maybe if she’s there it will be okay.

I got up early Saturday and I bought a BOXED MIX of cupcake batter and TUBS of pre-made frostings and I made up a dozen HOMEMADE cupcakes at the crack of dawn so it wouldn’t be hot in the house all day. (Of course, I took a bit off the side of one of them because Scout wanted a taste.) And I used two flavors of frostings because Zoila, his housekeeper, doesn’t like chocolate and Jeff does.

After those were all baked and frosted, I said to myself, Oh for heaven's sake, I GUESS I’LL GO AHEAD and SHOWER.

So I showered on a Saturday. And I even shaved my legs, because it was going to be 114 out and I had to wear shorts. It was okay though, because I made sure to wear the shorts that make me look like Beyonce.  Before the VMAs of course.

A little before 1pm, I went over to Living Spaces, and there was actual available parking in the lot! So I thought, oh brother, NO ONE showed up and I’m going to be here BY MYSELF, looking like a stalker. Which I am, but I don’t want to look like one.

Because I got there early, I cased the joint before Nancy got there. When I entered, I saw it that the place was packed full of people. But, they had been organized into a neat, folding, line so there was still room to maneuver past all the weird fans who clearly thought they are more important than I am. (And not one other person looked like Beyonce.)

Jeff and his posse were situated way into the store, so I walked all the way in to see Whaddup, Yo. And they were Sitting Right There.  They looked just like themselves, all shiny and wearing clothes and everything!

There were a bunch of people like myself who were not in the line, but just standing off to the side staring at them and taking photos. The line was long but quiet, and Jeff and his staff, who were comprised of Jenni, his assistant, and Zoila, his housekeeper, paid very gracious attention to each person, posed for all photos, and all three of them signed each person’s 8x10 photo of Jeff. I was impressed with how kind and friendly they were and how much they talked with everyone.

How do people do this?  Sit and sign their names and pose for photos with strangers? I mean, a person could come up and knife them! My goodness, the door man didn’t even frisk me for explosives!!

And really, that’s the main reason I went.

Chapter Two

A few minutes later, Nancy got there and she said, go get the cupcakes out of your car. And I said, oh no. There are all these people waiting. You can just give him the cupcakes when you go to work. And she said, no way--go get them!  Now, Nancy's an ex-police sergeant and I know how she is. One wrong move and she’ll pop a cap in your ass.

So I went out to get the cupcakes and discovered that I’d locked my keys in the car in my excitement at getting here.  Of course, you know what this meant.  I wasn't going to be able to get into the car.  The cupcakes were going to melt in there and run all over my old carpet and make my car smell like chocolate and cream cheese.  And I'd have to ask the Flipping Out people for a ride.  But then I realized that, as one who is afraid of heat, I had left the windows cracked and one of them was inordinately low.   So I inched my forearm inside and tripped the back door lock. 

Amid the wildly screaming car alarm, while the other patrons walking by me as I broke into a car they didn't know was mine, I rescued my keys and cupcakes.

The guy at the door keeping everyone organized not only didn't frisk me (again!), but apparently didn't care that I was bringing in cupcakes with strychnine in them to give to Jeff Lewis. I walked past the quarter-mile of people who had waited since before the store opened, and I put them on the side table where Nancy was sitting.  She looked at them and said, Well, give them to them!

And I said, NO. I’m not going to cut in line in front of all these people with cameras and large, sharp household moldings and fixtures, and make a spectacle of myself! It’s rude! And she said,

'Do it! Zoila wants the cupcakes!'

Well, what more need be said, really?

So she led me up there and we put the cupcakes down on the table in front of Zoila, while some poor schlub was trying to talk Jeff into meeting him at the Lucky 88 later, and I’m telling you... for a couple of seconds it was like Cleopatra had walked into Caesar’s Palace.

Everything. Stopped.

In rapid succession, Jenni picked up an 8x10, Zoila leaned forward and whispered thank you thank you thank you for the cupcakes, Jeff lifted up the cover to see what they looked like, they asked how to spell my name, everyone signed the card, Zoila started telling me how chocolate cupcakes are boring and she was so glad I brought white ones, and Jenni told me she was SO GLAD to meet me, and, before I could ask if anyone wanted to come home with me for a conga-line party, Jeff said, "Come over here and we’ll get a picture."

It was like I was listening in cuneiform.

My mouth agape, I thought to them as loudly as I could think to them: Other People have driven out here from Pacoima and have stood in line with their burping babies so they might get to see Jeff Lewis before his publicist makes him pack up in 20 minutes and leave, and now there’s going to be A RIOT.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw one of the kids in line starting to aim something at me, so I ducked down, and Nancy snapped the picture. Quick as that. I think Jeff touched my arm at one point. I wanted to ask him 'just what do you think you're doing', but there wasn’t time.

Then they said they were very happy to meet me and Jeff looked at me and actually said…

wait for it...

‘Hopefully we’ll see you again.’


Then Nancy helped me to one of the display rooms, where we sat for a moment until I composed myself.

Of course, after a few seconds, I said,

‘So. That’s it?’